Not That Into You

Recently a book fell into my hands (coincidentally after I had watched the movie) called "He's just not that into you". Fortunately, I paid no money for either. Whilst there are some layers of truth in the stories and paradigms depicted in the book, overall I kept constantly wondering which fairyland the authors had crawled out from. Their intentions are noble and they portray straightforward and honest opinions about relationships, what is wrong with them and how they should be. This might in fact help a lot of people, especially women, see some parallelism into their life, reflect upon the choices they have made and realise that perhaps the partner of choice, is not a choice or an option at all.

The first fault of the authors though, is that they treat women as one species and men as another. Although it is the general acceptance that women are from Venus and men are from Mars, women like shopping and men like sports, women cry in public whereas men fart, the authors show clear signs of failure to understand that not everything is black and white. Each individual, despite of sex or sexuality, is unique and whilst he or she might exhibit traits of others, the human variable is still present in each and every one of us. Human behaviour is not always science, despite what biologists or psychologists might have you believe. The authors simply categorise people as “men” or “women”. Each case is different and the excuse of one man that is “just not that into you” might very well be the reality and truth of another. And despite what Hollywood and Disney films prompt you people to believe, love takes time to develop and flourish. And it takes even more time to get to know a person for who they truly are and what their true motive is. Unless, he simply shags and kicks you out of bed the next second. In that case, walk out before you make anymore fool of yourself.

Secondly, the authors seem to suggest that women are to be chased every single second of their breathing lives and if a man fails to do so, then simply “he’s just not that into you”. Ok, if he is making no effort to contact you, if he kicks you out of bed right after he shagged you, if he sleeps around with 3 other women and if he puts his friends, family, job, sports, alcohol, gambling and “Lost” (respect!) above you, then yes, we can easily conclude that he doesn’t really like you that much. Whatever happened to the women of this century though? The ones demanding equal rights, the ones wanting equal opportunities in life and in career, the ones claiming to be independent, strong and will-powered. That a book would portray them as damsels in distress, waiting for the prince on a white horse and shiny armour to sweep them off their feet and worship them as goddesses for the rest of their lives, is very insulting, in my opinion, to women.

Relationships nowadays are all about balance. No, actually, good relationships nowadays are all about balance. You might be proud that you got yourself a stable relationship, but overlook important facts such as that you don’t actually love the person, that you are only staying there because of insecurities, or that you are a fucking doormat and have no control of your life anymore. A relationship comes with shared emotions, shared responsibilities and shared experiences. Sure, each person should retain their own identity, but unless you are willing to meet the other person half way, then don’t expect from them to travel all the way. Men need and want to be chased and feel needed too. Human lives are way too busy and complicated to play games. A woman should not sit at home, hands folded, waiting for the guy to call every day, take her out, pay the bills, send flowers, drop everyone and everything that makes him what he is, simply to hold your hand and stroke your hair. If not a 50-50 effort, then let’s settle for a 40-60 at least. Women have to make an effort too, in order to show the guy “yes, I am into you too”. Otherwise, doubts kick in and doubts can nest in both female and male brains.

An important message that authors are trying to get across, is to remain true to yourself. And I completely support that, whether you are a man or a woman. Some signs might be there and they might be crystal clear. If you are unhappy about the situation, then do something about it. If there is no hope, then walk away and find someone else who is on the same page as you. But if you are uncertain which page you are on, or if your partner is flipping through the book trying to find your page, but just needs more time, maybe you shouldn’t be so harsh to say “he/she is just not that into me”. Maybe you could flip through the pages a little bit yourself. Or maybe you should buy a different book.