The City

It is true that the past, as we perceive it, is an important part of us and our lives. The teachings of the past guide us into our present actions, which in turn forge our future. All our lessons learned, experiences had, mistakes made, relationships formed, attempts fallen apart, goals achieved or dreams set aside, form an amalgamation of our past and of the way it affects us. Often we try to relive it, return to it or hold on to it tight for as much as we can. Other times we turn our back on it, deny it or lie about it. Yet, as the Greek poet C.P. Kavafis states: “The city will follow you”.

I came across a number of people from my past in the last few weeks. People with whom I shared laughs, tears, experiences. And it is scary, worrying and frightening to see all of them move forward with life. They have degrees, jobs, houses, money, girlfriends, husbands, babies. They know where they come from and where their life is heading. And it is upsetting to come to the realisation that my life does not look as clear as theirs, that I have come to accomplish so little compared to them and that I would like to succeed in so much but that time is only moving forward and not backwards. It is disheartening to embrace the sad truth that my career path is uncertain, that my life is as empty and lonely as ever, that I have no fucking clue where to head and that it is highly unlikely I will ever achieve half of the things I dream of.

Reading between the lines, however, not everything may seem as black and white. Following down a certain path, just because family, peers, society or age dictate so, is undeniably not the path to happiness. Compromising yourself, your dignity and your emotions to be with the first available person, just because you are too scared of loneliness, is not the way to conquer your fears. Planning what you might think is the inevitable, whilst living in an eternal bliss of denial, is certainly not the way to be true to yourself. And returning to what is familiar, safe, accepting the easy route, taking the logical option, is definitely leading to a backwards track and not moving you forward.

And what is even more certain is that the life of one is not everyone’s cup of tea. Have I made mistakes and wrong choices in my life? Absolutely. Do I wish that my life turned to be different? Hell yeah. Do I envy the lives of others? Momentarily. But then I realise that that would not be my own life and that would not have been me. Perhaps I would be happier. Or perhaps I would still be the miserable sod I am now. What may have worked for someone else, would not necessarily work for me. I can only work with what I have now though and if returned to my past, the ghost of my potential future would be chasing me instead.

What I’ve been trying to do though for the past few years, ever since I left my “city”, was to reconcile the past with the future. Whether unwillingly, forced by others, or whether it was voluntarily, to succeed in keeping in my life both worlds, a tag of war was gradually formed between what has been known and what is to come. And while the past comes in useful to building on its foundations or learning from previous mistakes (or even just perfecting them when repeated), the only way to move forward is to be rid of it. Unfortunately, it cannot be thrown out of the window. Some random idiot will always pick it up and ring your doorbell filled with glee about their amazing discovery. But you can choose to throw it back at their face and not bother about gluing it back together anymore. I may not know where I am heading and the road might not be that far, but hitching a ride back to where I came from would be the wrong option.

You said, "I will go to another land, I will go to another sea.
Another city will be found, better than this.
Every effort of mine is condemned by fate;
and my heart is -- like a corpse -- buried.
How long in this wasteland will my mind remain.
Wherever I turn my eyes, wherever I may look
I see the black ruins of my life here,
where I spent so many years, and ruined and wasted."

New lands you will not find, you will not find other seas.
The city will follow you. You will roam the same
streets. And you will age in the same neighborhoods;
in these same houses you will grow gray.
Always you will arrive in this city. To another land -- do not hope --
there is no ship for you, there is no road.
As you have ruined your life here
in this little corner, you have destroyed it in the whole world.

Constantine P. Cavafy (1910)