8 types of public transport delayers

You all know them. You come across them every day and you all secretly want to punch them in the back. This mostly applies to people who live in big cities – they can comprehend and fully appreciate the chaos and misery of public transport. But whether on trains, buses or boats, whether you deal with them on an everyday basis or less often, we have all been and still are frustrated and angered with the 8 main types of annoying people that cause us delays on public transport:

Stupid people I

Check which way you are going, then pass through the doors (for the underground). Do not swipe your card, walk through and then pause and gaze around with your mouth wide open trying to figure out which underground line or which exit you need. You are blocking everyone else behind you. Get in a damn corner, gather all available brain cells and, hopefully, find your way out.

Tourists

Whether they are over-excited Asian paparazzis, Arabs with large families or hyper-active and loud Mediterraneans, these species are mostly found in herds and can cause severe jams and even more severe headaches. They take pictures of pretty much anything (I thought McDonald’s were everywhere!?), always fail miserably to find their way around quickly and efficiently despite the use of maps and technology and of course take lots of space.

Slow-walking people

People who carry babies or old people should be banned from using public transport during rush hours. At the risk of sounding ageist (probably have already!) I think it’s pretty dumb stupid for these people to travel around during the morning and evening rush hours. Unless it is a matter of emergency, I suggest they wait until the rush hour calms down a little bit before bringing out the canes and the prams and cause delay and frustration to us and to themselves.

The happy couple

Yes, you are in love. Yes, you just got engaged. Yes, you just finished your day and you are going home to shag. Yes, you just re-united after two weeks, four days, eleven hours and seventeen minutes, and you are also going home to shag. No, you cannot hold hands, make out, walk slowly and display any signs of affection that severely delay the other half a million people rushing to go home to shag their partners – or wank, if they are single.

The geeks

How damn interesting is that book or newspaper article (it’s the Metro for crying out loud), that you most definitely need to delay everyone on the escalators or annoy them by claiming your “own” space and flipping pages in their face whilst packed inside the bus or train. The same goes for people who have not discovered the “pause” button on the Angry Birds screen or have not realised there is no internet access underground, hence turning on their precious iPad and attempting to read their emails will disappoint them tragically.

Stupid people II

What’s with some people (mainly women, sorry!) and their inability to speak on the phone and walk at the same time? They come out of the bus or train, the phone rings, they have to answer it right there and then (who knows, house might be on fire) and then talk on the phone, while the walk rate drops exponentially with time and number of words they utter. Unless you are some funny alien species, I’m sure you can learn that your feet and your mouth serve very different functions.

The ungrateful ones

If I let you get on the bus before me, as an act of kindness and respect, whilst I’m carrying a dozen of Sainsbury’s bags, at least have the same respect to decline the offer since you are planning on spending the next ten minutes chatting to the bus driver and asking about the bus, its route, its direction, the ticket price, the flexibility of bus routes, the bus hours and basically anything you couldn’t figure out on your own using the bus stop information.

Chicks

With heels, a dozen bags from designer stores, sunglasses (in the underground, really?!) and the need to apply make-up or walk slowly to avoid shedding a drop of sweat and ruining the precious fringe that cost them £400 and 3.5 hours at the hairdresser’s. Besides, public transport is beneath you, darling. Surely a girl made in Chelsea could afford a limo anyway. So, fuck off my damn way!

Bonus Delayer: Escalator phobics
These are the people who slow down dramatically as they approach the escalators and step on with such a great caution and fear, as if they are about to step on the neck of a newborn baby. On the other hand, you have the people who step off the escalators really slowly and carefully, as if they are about to enter Hades' underworld and is unknown to them what lies beyond the end of the escalator. Use the lift or the stairs next time!