Football

What is it about football that gets men behaving in their most primal instincts? I personally don’t see what the big fuss is all about. And there is definitely not a “football gene” incorporated into the Y chromosome. Ok, I understand that some people will find it entertaining. Relaxing. Fun. Yet, football, its athletes and its fans, seem to fail dramatically at either having fun or being relaxed about it. And by the way, before I proceed any further to attempt a psychoanalysis on the sport, let me clarify I am referring to “football” as most of the world realises it (hence not American football – though I’m sure the analysis could be easily applied to that as well).

So, first of all, why does a large percentage of the male population get all excited about a sport? If they are participating themselves, I can understand the need for healthy competition (though not always), the need for exercise and for male-bonding. But if someone is simply watching, what do they really get out of it? They get entertainment let’s say, same way someone else is entertained by a movie, a comedy, a concert or a strip show. Yet, I don’t remember the last time people lost their sleep or appetite because Barney did not score in How I Met Your Mother, or got caught into a fight because the villain of a movie got away with murder. Some people tend to get emotional in movies but I’m sure it does not reach the fanatically rage levels that a football fan hits when his favourite team loses a game. So where is the fun part in that?

Let’s go for the male-bonding reason then. Football is a good excuse to catch up with “the lads”, have a beer or two and strengthen your friendship over a Sunday game. Then, keep drinking either because you are celebrating a football victory or mourning a game loss, spent the next 5 hours over-analysing every move of each player and the referee (always in a dramatic and non-objective way), get into a fight and crack someone’s head open – possibly yours. I say: FAIL for the male bonding and the entertainment. If anything, it seems to divide people.

Perhaps we need a closer inspection of the sport itself: 22 young, fit, athletic guys, running around in shorts and sweaty t-shirts. Maybe that is why your girlfriend is a bit pissed off with you: you’d rather give 22 male strangers more attention than her. And her insecurities of course grow! Hey, if you are into that and it turns you on watching them, good for you, please keep watching (do inform your girlfriend though so that she doesn’t freeze to death waiting in her new sexy lingerie in the bedroom). Seriously now though, if you want to appear all butch and tough, watch an episode of “Spartacus”, visit your local strip club or do some sports yourself – don’t scream like a 15-year old praising people like Rooney, as if he is a god on this earth. He can just kick a ball. Is he better than you? Is he a better doctor, lawyer, mechanic, teacher, waiter, salesman, policeman, accountant, musician, janitor, pilot, chef than you? Is he a better husband or a man than you? No. He – and every other footballer – is but a man himself. So why does he deserve your praise or why does he deserve the ridiculous sums of money they are getting paid?

Which brings me to all the loyalty that men have to their own “selected” football club. It is usually passed on from a father-figure since an early stage and most men across the world ensure that their children will also be dressed up from a young age in the colours of their favourite football team. What’s the deal with that? If you have been following football for years and decide to choose one team to support because of their history in successes or because you enjoy the way they play, fair enough. Don’t get all wound up about it if no-one shares the same opinion as you and don’t get your kids all that crazy about it either – it’s just a game. We are not up against the dark forces of Voldemort. The players keep moving from one team to another anyway! Ronaldo will be your best buddy one day and the most hated person on the earth the following week. How immature is that?

And finally, what is with associating football to politics and patriotism? This is very evident in Cyprus; a small community, where unfortunately everyone and everything is closely associated to something else. If you support team A, then you are left-wing, if you support team B, then you are right-wing, if you support team C then you are clueless about politics and in general, and so on. And politics do to football what politics do best: they suck the fun factor out of it. As for the “big games” and the momentary satisfaction it appears to give the whole nation if their country team beats the team of a country they are (or used to be) at war (or generally just dislike): No, it does not prove you are better people. No, it does not offer any justice, or restore freedom and equal rights. No, you are not a patriot just because you watched the football match and you cheered when the opponents cried at their loss.

Coming to a conclusion though, living in a world where everything fake is praised and over-rated (boobs, tans, anorexic models, cheating millionaires, drug-addict singers, aggressive actors) why should football be any different? Football, as most things nowadays, has been exploited and deteriorated. Instead of uniting people who are true football fans worldwide, it divides and distant us. It offers fake pleasures and no-one benefits from it except the clubs, their owners and the footballers, who have risen to consider themselves and be considered by others as demi-gods, next to the likes of Angelina Jolie and Charlie Sheen. They are nothing but people, with a little bit (perhaps) of talent. Then again, most of us have at least a talent. If only we could put as much faith and fanaticism to ourselves and those we (should) truly love, as we put in those 22 young, fit, athletic guys in shorts and sweaty t-shirts

PS. To all female football-fans who might consider my blog "sexist" as it is directed mostly to men, let's be honest: You are missing the point.